It may seem like you’re completely focused on the present-specifically, getting your ex out of your head now-but because so much of your fixation with him involves thinking about the relationship you used to have and the relationship you want with him going forward, you’re toggling between past and future without actually living in the present. Our struggle to release a wished-for future can be just as powerful a roadblock to change as our struggle to release a wished-for past. But we talk far less about how our relationship to the future informs the present. Changing our relationship to our pasts is a staple of therapy. Therapists talk a lot about how the past informs the present-how our histories affect the ways we think, feel, and behave, and how at some point in our lives we have to let go of the fantasy of changing the past, or else we remain stuck. Superficial Interests Don’t Matter for Friends Who Agree on the Big Things Julie Beck And when we’re grieving the loss of our past and our future, it’s hard to stay in the present-and do something to improve it. By that I mean, the future we had imagined taking place with this person. Whenever we go through a breakup, we don’t just break up with our partner-we also break up with our future. The hardest thing about “getting over” someone is that in order to move on, we have to figure out what we’re actually grieving. I need some practical help to get him out of my mind. I have avoided his social media since it just triggers sadness instead of happiness and joy. I tried blocking him on my phone, but I still saw his calls. The truth is, here I am, thinking about the last person I had the strongest romantic relationship and potential with. I have tried moving on by ignoring my feelings for him, ignoring him when he has reached out to me, and repeatedly reminding myself that ours is not the kind of relationship that I want. I’ve tried to be honest about my wanting a different type of relationship with him, but he doesn’t seem to want that. This was more than 10 years ago, and although my ex and I have occasionally stayed in touch, been intimate, and reconnected after a few years of separation, we have not been able to have a healthy relationship.
It was a very immature relationship that culminated in me breaking up with him finally (for about the third or fourth time), mostly because of a growing fear that I knew I would want kids and was worried that I was wasting my time with someone who wasn’t willing to work on a future with me. He was my first love and we met when I was in my early 20s.
Never married, no children, and I’ve been struggling for years to get over my ex. Editor’s Note: Every Wednesday, Lori Gottlieb answers questions from readers about their problems, big and small.